Repressed Anger: Why It’s Holding You (and Your Kids) Back and How to Release It
Let’s talk about something we all experience but rarely address properly, ANGER.
As a therapist working with kids and teens (and as a human being who has had my fair share of bottled-up emotions), I’ve seen firsthand what happens when we don’t process anger in a healthy way. It doesn’t just vanish into thin air, oh no, it stays, builds up, and eventually leaks out in ways we don’t even realize.
Maybe you find it hard to say “no” and end up overcommitting. Maybe your body feels constantly tense, and you don’t even know why. Or maybe your child is throwing tantrums, acting out, or completely shutting down emotionally. More often than not, repressed anger is at play.
Let’s dive into how this happens, how it affects us, and most importantly, what we can do about it.
How to Know If Anger Is Stuck in Your Body
When anger isn’t expressed, it doesn’t disappear. It shows up differently:
You struggle to set boundaries – Saying “no” feels like you’re disappointing people, so you overextend yourself.
You avoid confrontation – Instead of standing up for yourself, you let things slide… but deep down, resentment grows.
Your self-esteem takes a hit – When you suppress your emotions, it’s easy to feel powerless, which impacts how you see yourself.
Your body starts talking – Tension headaches, stomach issues, muscle stiffness? That might not just be stress—it could be repressed emotions.
You feel restless – Ever noticed how kids who are holding in emotions suddenly get super fidgety? That’s because anger (like any strong emotion) creates energy that needs to be moved, especially in the arms and legs.
You lash out at the wrong people – Maybe you’re mad at your boss, but instead, you snap at your partner or your kid. That’s misplaced anger.
You feel disconnected from life – Suppressed anger doesn’t just stop the bad feelings; it numbs everything, including your ability to feel joy and excitement.
If any of this sounds familiar, whether in yourself or in your kids, it’s time to start moving that stuck energy.
How to Release Anger (Without Hurting Yourself or Others)
Here’s the good news: anger is not the enemy. It’s a powerful emotion that, when used correctly, can be transformative. The goal isn’t to get rid of anger, it’s to move it through the body in a healthy way.
1. Get Physical: Move the Energy Out
Anger lives in the body, so movement is key.
For kids: Running, jumping, pushing heavy objects (like big pillows), climbing, martial arts, and dancing are great ways to release pent-up emotions.
For teens: Encourage sports that involve strong, dynamic movements, like surfing, boxing, skateboarding, running, or even just hitting a punching bag. A simple exercise? Have them push against a wall with all their strength for a few seconds, then release. It mimics the body’s natural fight response and helps let go of tension.
For adults (yes, you too!): Try shaking out your hands and feet, stomping, or even shadow-boxing for a few minutes. It’s amazing how much lighter you feel after!
2. Give Anger a Voice
We’ve been taught that expressing anger is “bad,” but the truth is, it’s necessary. The key is doing it in a way that doesn’t harm yourself or others.
For kids:I love turning this into a game! Sometimes, when I pick my kids up from the school bus, I start a competition: “Who can scream the loudest?” We all yelled at the same time into the car, sometimes a word, sometimes a sentence, whatever I felt it’s important at the moment. They love it, and it instantly helps release whatever frustration they might be holding.
For teens: Teach them to name their emotions. Instead of saying, “I’m fine” (while clearly not being fine), they can try, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because…”
For yourself: If you feel overwhelmed, scream into a pillow (seriously, try it) or go somewhere private and let out a loud “ARGHHH!!” You’d be surprised how good it feels. Was the first thing my therapist told me to do!
3. Get Creative: Express It Through Art
Not everyone processes emotions through words. Sometimes, creativity is the best way to let anger flow.
For kids: Let them draw their feelings, even if it’s just wild scribbles. Ask them, “What color is your anger today?”
For teens: Encourage them to make a playlist that matches their emotions, write in a journal, or even dance it out.
For yourself: Try writing an “anger letter”, pour everything out without filtering, then rip it up and throw it away. It’s therapeutic.
4. Breathe Through It
Ever noticed how, when you’re angry, your breathing gets shallow and fast? That’s because anger puts you into fight-or-flight mode. The trick is calming the nervous system through breathwork.
For kids: Blowing bubbles is a great way to teach slow breathing in a fun way!
For teens & adults: Try 4-4-6 breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6, hold for 4. Repeat until you feel calmer. Or try Peter’s Levine breathing technique – https://youtu.be/fhSUztFDJXg
5. Teach Boundaries & Self-Defense
So many people repress anger because they don’t know how to stand up for themselves. Teaching kids (and yourself) how to set clear boundaries is crucial.
Try this: Have your child practice saying “no” in a strong, confident voice. It might feel silly at first, but it builds confidence over time.
For teens: Teach them to say, “I need space right now,” or “That’s not okay with me,” instead of bottling up resentment.
Final Thoughts: Anger as a Superpower
Anger isn’t something to fear or suppress. It’s a message, telling you when a boundary has been crossed, when something isn’t fair, or when change is needed.
If we teach kids (and ourselves) to work with anger instead of against it, we create a world where emotions aren’t the enemy, but tools for growth.
So, here’s my challenge for you: What’s one way you can start processing anger differently today? Have you tried any of these techniques? Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear!
