How Our Unmet Childhood Needs Shape Our Relationship with Our Children
Parenting is a profound and challenging journey. Often, amidst daily responsibilities, we find ourselves repeating patterns we once swore we’d never repeat, or, on the contrary, overcompensating to ensure our children never experience what we went through. But why does this happen?
The answer lies in our own childhood. The needs that were not met when we were young inevitably resurface in our adult lives. And as parents, they intensify even more. If we are not aware, we unconsciously, sometimes even consciously, repeat the same patterns with our children or try so hard to avoid them that we create new imbalances.
The Six Human Needs and Parenting
According to Tony Robbins, every human being has six fundamental needs:
- Certainty – The need for security and predictability.
- Variety – The desire for novelty and excitement.
- Significance – Feeling unique and important.
- Love and Connection – The need for closeness and belonging.
- Growth – The drive to evolve and learn.
- Contribution – The need to make a positive impact.
When these needs were not met in our childhood, they continue to shape our behaviors as adults. If we never felt important to our parents, we might seek constant validation in our careers or social media. If we lacked emotional security, we might become overly strict parents, or, conversely, too permissive, trying to compensate for what we didn’t have.
My Experience: The Challenge of Simply Being Present
Recently, during a retreat in Serra da Estrela, I had an aha! moment with my daughter Maria. We were building a beautiful altar together, and suddenly, I realized that I was completely immersed in the present moment, like never before. No distractions, no mental checklists, just being.
And then it hit me: this is what presence feels like.
That realization made me reflect on how difficult it usually is for me to just be with my children playing, enjoying the moment, without my mind racing to the next task. I constantly feel on alert, planning, organizing, thinking ahead.
This made me recognize something deeper: I rarely felt that my parents were truly present for me. Yes, they were physically there, doing the best they could, but as children, we feel when an adult is genuinely present or just fulfilling an obligation.
As Daniel Siegel (Dr. Dan Siegel Home Page – Dr. Dan Siegel) explains in his studies on neuroscience and parenting, a child’s brain, particularly the amygdala and limbic system, is already developed enough to sense emotions and perceive when a parent is emotionally available, or not.
This was an eye-opening moment for me. It’s not about how much time we spend with our children but about the quality of our presence.
How Can We Become More Conscious Parents?
- Reflect on our own childhood – What needs were unmet? How does that shape our behavior today?
- Observe our patterns – Are we unconsciously repeating behaviors? Overcompensating?
- Practice presence – Truly being with our children, without distractions or urgency.
- Develop self-awareness – Therapy, reading, and mindfulness practices help recognize and change unconscious patterns.
- Embrace imperfection – No parent will ever be perfect, but by becoming more conscious, we can create a safer, more nurturing space for our children.
At Waves & Minds, we believe parenting is a journey of self-discovery and connection. By understanding ourselves better, we can give our children something truly valuable: the security of feeling seen, loved, and accepted just as they are.
If this reflection resonates with you, share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s transform how we relate to our children and ourselves, together.
